Juggling Too Much On My Plate

First and foremost, I apologize for not updating my blog.

For the past 2 months, things have been very hectic and turbulent for me. As the title of this post suggested, I've been juggling too much on my plate and I think things are starting to fall off it, making me feel worthless and useless.

Fatigue and stress have been my best friends during this period of time. After preparing and going to Beijing, I came back to prepare for my competition (on the night I arrived itself!) I felt it was a joke and I felt I'm being used to get things done, to win things. I started to question whether my friends here in uni are truly genuine or manipulators trying to pry their hands on me for their own interest.

After winning the competition, I felt I should be happy. But my friends told me I don't seem glad that I will be going to Las Vegas end of March for the international round. Indeed... I felt nothing of that sort at all. Winning this competition was nothing as I felt like a puppet being pulled here and there by strings. I am very tired...

A visit to the morgue and forensics department didn't help much either. It was eye-opening and very interesting indeed to see the pathologist cut open a dead woman, just like something experienced only by medic students. However, by the end of the day, when everything had been digested...After looking at tons of gory pictures of murder victims... After witnessing the post mortem in which the person's organs were being emptied and our skin is just like a rubber suit, empty and useless....

You can't help but think if there's more to life. Somehow, looking at all these things, you'll start to lose hope in humanity, as Man can kill another brother for something as simple as a parking lot.

For once in my life, I felt utterly depress to the point of a mental breakdown. I couldn't think, eat, sleep or do anything at all. I was paralysed and numb. Nothing motivated me, not even food. My soul was desperately crying out for help but I heard no answer. I prayed and cried out to God, but all I hear was silence. Is this another dry period for me? Am I back to wandering in the desert again like the Israelites when they escaped from Egypt? Do I look at life like how Solomon did in Ecclesiastes, when everything was meaningless?

I know I can trust Jesus even when I know there's a lot of doubt inside of me. However, the fear I have right now is... How long can my trust in Him remain? Will it fade away in time and I, again, will fall into this deep abyss of depression and hopelessness?

I hope that day will never come. Never~